I don’t want to grind, so let’s party like it’s 1929

How do you initiate dancing with another individual? If you’re a guy, you most likely place yourself strategically behind a girl and pull her posterior region into your crotch, hoping she will acquiesce and rub her ass gratuitously upon your (in the words of Dane Cook) “denim cock.” From the female (or, as in some cases, male) point of view, I’m not sure how pleasurable it is having some strange fellow press his crotch against your derriere in a seemingly random act of “affectionate interest.”
I began to question the nature of “grinding” a few weeks ago, when a friend of mine asked if I’d go out to a D.C. club with a group of friends. I decided it was worth a go.
The only clubs I’d been to previously were in Hong Kong. People there dance primarily face-to-face. I could usually spot a few grinders in the crowd, but they were few and far between. Upon questioning, my trusty Hong Kong compatriot informed me that the only girls who grind are either with their boyfriends or sluts. Seemed a bit harsh to me, but who am I to judge?
These clubs suited me, as I was never a big fan of grinding. Ever since the graceless days of high school dances, I never quite felt comfortable just walking up to a female, perhaps making eye contact (perhaps not), and then mildly simulating sex with her on the floor of my high school gym—not to mention the fact that my math teacher was observing silently in the corner.
The typical “let’s dance” scenario presented a problem because, in my high school gym, like most clubs today, the music was too loud to hear anyone speak at all, short of shouting (and potentially unleashing Orbit-flavored saliva) into the girl’s ear. However, I did engage in the occasional awkward grind, in an effort to “be cool.” And then there was always the question of what to do when the song is over. Do you say thank you? Do you offer to fetch the girl a towel?
In the cab ride back from the D.C. club, I thought about the dancing styles of the 1920s. Back then, people did the Charleston or the foxtrot. These are civilized dances, which involve precise steps, timing, coordination, and most importantly, lots of practice. Hugely popular books published during this era even taught readers how to dance.
Then the early rock ‘n’ roll days sprang to my mind. There was no grinding then, either, although the more complex shimmies and twirls of the 1920s were largely gone. The more intuitive jitterbug and cha-cha were the rage, and probably for good reason—who wants to learn how to dance from a book, anyway?
By the 1980s, the age of free love had passed, and sex was even more out in the open. Madonna, Duran Duran, and Michael Jackson became icons. The ‘80s also seemed like the time when the bass-heavy music that facilitates today’s popular dance moves came into vogue. I bet fledgling grinders popped up during that era. The rest is history now, though, with songs like Akon’s “I Wanna Fuck You” serving as the grinding era’s official anthem.
I think grinding’s popularity owes to the combination of what’s hot right now music-wise (how else do you dance to rap?), the dearth of communication methods available to one while dancing (body language is the simplest choice), and the inverse relationship between alcohol consumption and dance skills. Not to mention space issues: at some parties there simply isn’t enough room to dance in any way other than pressing your body firmly against another individual’s.
Not that grinding is all bad; I have been known to enjoy the occasional gratuitous gyration myself. However, while grinding seems to have taken over the party scene, old-school dancing still has its place in the world. I can assure you that, despite the recent devolution of dancing, at my wedding I will be looking at my wife’s face, not at the back of her head.